Assume Love

Lately there has been so many issues between my husband and I and we just couldn't agree on one thing. Just like any other couple, we disagree, debate and insist but after the death of my father, they just occur more often. Maybe because I'm more vulnerable now. I didn't have the chance to really mourn for my father because I went back to work the Monday after he was buried. During the wake, I was busy processing for everything. Now that everything is setting in, I feel that I need more support now more than ever.

Looking for some words of advice, I came across a marriage blog called Assume Love (How to have a happier marriage without waiting for your spouse to change) by Patty Newbold. She's married twice; the first time she didn't get it right. She keeps a list of unmet needs and had asked her husband for divorce the day before her husband died from a chronic disease. When her husband died, out of about 30 needs, only one was made easier to meet by losing him. In other words, she realized, those unmet needs will remain unmet had they divorced.

Although unlike Patty I'm not considering separation, I found her insights very helpful. If you have time, try to check her blog- http://www.assumelove.com/. Her advice would focus mainly on assuming love, as the title suggests. That regardless of what our spouses would do or say, always assume love but never pretend. Making assumptions may not be good but it may be helpful when situations like disagreements may happen between the couple. Assume that underneath it all, your spouse loves you.

Hubby's speech

Last Friday, Jan. 27th, my husband Miggy was invited to speak in his Alma Mater, Christian Academy of Bacolod as a guest speaker of their 26th Foundation Day and 2nd Alumni Homecoming. It went well, we just didn't expect that majority of his audience would be elementary and high school students. This is his first time to speak but I admire him because he never felt or at least didn't make the jitters obvious.

Here's his speech in case I start erasing my emails and will not have a copy of this in the future. :)

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Dear guests, former teachers, friends and fellow alumni of Christian Academy of Bacolod, good morning!

When Principal Elias invited me to speak as a guest speaker of this event, I was a little hesitant. Yes, it is no doubt an honor to be chosen; but I also know that it is going to be a nerve-wracking experience. Nineteen years ago, I was just a cute little boy excited to experience high school, now I’m married to my one and only wife with one smart little boy who obviously got his looks, from the one whom I got my looks from, my father. J

In the years since we left the corridors of CAB, a lot of changes have taken place. Some have decided to join the business world to keep our economy rolling, while others are happy doing ministry for the Lord, one of the highest calling. Others are into the medical world helping save lives, while others enjoy being in the customer service industry making every consumer happy. Different paths for different folks but one thing remain the same - the values our dear alma mater had taught us.

This year’s theme is faithfulness. One of my favorite lines in Steve Green’s song Find us faithful, goes “Let us run the race not only for the prize. But as those who’ve gone before us, Let us leave to those behind us, the heritage of faithfulness passed on through Godly lives. What a beautiful message. I could sit down now and leave you all with those lines to ponder. But let me continue.

I believe all of us here have goals. In whatever state we are now, I know we have something in mind that we want to achieve. It could be a business of our own, a dream job, a dream house, a grand vacation, or an ideal husband/wife. I know that we are doing something about it, and although some of us here may have already achieved some of them, we continue to aim higher. Has it always been smooth sailing? I doubt it is. In this imperfect world there will always be discouragements, criticisms, trials and persecutions even. And sometimes we feel that there’s no sense in pursuing our dreams because things don’t work out the way we want them or that they don’t happen on our appointed time. Sometimes we want things instantly. We want them to go smoothly, which is in reality not always a possibility.

Now the good news is that despite the rough sailing, the bumpy rides and turbulent flights, our dear teachers from this school had taught us the value of faithfulness. It is in this school that wonderful stories in the Bible were given emphasis. The story of Joshua who entered the Promised Land because of his faith, and Gideon who won the battle with the Midianites with just 300 men and his big faith and trust in God. Our teachers had taught us to believe in things we cannot see. To not settle in mediocrity. To aim higher and have faith in what we do and most specially in what God can do for us. They remain faithful in their students, the same way God shows his faithfulness to this school for 26 years.

At 31 I’m finishing my master’s degree in business. I am going to pursue my plan of becoming a university professor and a faithful husband and father. And although I enjoy what I’m doing now, my heart still goes for teaching. I will remain faithful to my dreams. I won’t stop because as Dr. Charles Stanley states, “the only way to know how much faith you have is when it is tested and tried. So kids, go ahead and try your faith. Aim high and reach for your dream.

Good morning and May God bless us all. Thank you.

How my 2012 will look like...

My family started the year in the hospital. My father was hospitalized on Jan. 1st, was released on Jan. 3rd and died on the 6th. We buried him on Jan. 14th and I came back to work the week after. Now that almost everything is back to normal, except for some episodes of sadness and loneliness, I want to put in writing the things I expect to happen this year. And then at the end of the year, I want to be able to look back and see if they did happen or something else better happened. :)

This year I expect great things to happen. Yes, some things are beyond my control but most of them are controllable. God has given us instructions in writing, I'm sure that if I just read and understand it, I'll get the heavenly wisdom I need to make the right decisions.

First on my list is to have baby #2. My husband and I have agreed that as soon as he graduates from his Master's degree this

March, we'll have another baby. Our eldest son Matt is already 3 years old and by June, he will start pre-school. By the time I give birth, Matt would be 4, enough to take care of his younger brother/sister. :) I'm praying for a baby sister while my husband prays for another baby boy. May the best prayer win!hehe. Just kidding.

Second on my list is to start a small business or any income generating activity. I'm currently a dealer of human nature organic products (http://humanheartnature.com/) but it's not really income generating because I am not selling aggressively. The discount I'm enjoying though, as a dealer, is something that I'm thankful about because I'm an avid user of HN products. But aside from being an HN dealer, I want to put up a small business. Maybe a business I could start from home or if I could find a stall where I could sell stuff preferably food, that would be better. Or I'm thinking of working online during my free time. Some Odesk type of online job. I'm also trying to consider buying raw products then process them at home then sell them online. I don't know, as of now, there's just a lot of ideas coming that I have to pray harder and think deeper to make up my mind and pursue what I really desire to do.

Then I'd like to accomplish some not so major things like wall painting of my son's room in preparation for baby #2, having the car tinted again since the heat and light are now getting in which makes it more hot inside, if the budget allows, we'll have to repaint the car as scratches are now more visible, de-clutter our closet and get rid of the things we don't need and donate them and make more space for more people in the house, visit my mother and siblings often, have more couple dates at new restaurants (started with 2 new restaurants and my husband and I enjoyed it), lose 15 lbs by eating healthy and exercising more often, read more books and PRAY more!

Wow, I'm really positive about my plans for 2012 but I know that God has plans laid out for me too. Prayer is the key really.

A sweet homecoming

After three months of struggle with lung cancer, my father finally joined his creator last Jan. 6th, 2012 at around 9:50pm at age 66. I call it a sweet homecoming. It is a sweet homecoming because he will be finally seeing his creator and savior. He will forever be in a place where there is no pain and sorrows only joys and laughters. He will be in Paradise.

Prior to papang's death, my cousin Pastor Noel paid him a visit and asked him about death and his relationship with Jesus. Then they prayed a prayer of repentance. He was receptive. He prayed along and asked for forgiveness and accepted Jesus as his personal savior. It was the best gift ever given to me and for him most specially.

His condition worsen; he was hospitalized on Jan. 1st. We stayed in the hospital for two days. We went home on Jan. 3rd, set up his oxygen and prepared his NGT meal. That is going to be our routine from then on... but not too long. He expired 3 days after. In the afternoon of Jan. 6th, my sister, Lalai sent me a text message informing me that papang had removed his NGT. I was so worried because without his NGT, we will be having a hard time feeding him and most specially, administering his morphine, his pain medication. I tried giving instructions through text but I wasn't content so I got out of our bed and went to my parents' house. There we tried to give him his morphine in liquid form. It was a slow process but papang was patiently cooperating, swallowing every drop of morphine mixed in water. Instead of heading home and going back to sleep to prepare for my shift in the evening, I decided to wait for my sister who's arriving from Dubai. She arrived around 6:30pm. She talked to my father and although papang can no longer talk, I can see that he's excited. After their short talk, we decided to eat. Around 8pm, I decided to go home to prepare for my 9pm shift. My siblings stayed in the other room while my mother was talking to our father. I was able to hear part of their conversations when I entered the room and gave my mother the paracetamol she was asking. I heard my mother saying "paeng, kapoy ka na, pahuway na, ok lang kami". I saw my father nodding.

Around 10:10pm, while I was in the office, I got a call from my sister. She said papang is gone, just 2 hours after mamang talked to him. I hurriedly called my husband up and went home. Then I saw him... lifeless. My family is weeping. It was the saddest time of our lives. I was expecting it to happen because of his condition and the signs we're seeing, but I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. Then I remember my prayer. I prayed to God that He will not allow papang to suffer for a long time and that if he's ready to go, then He can take him away from us. God answered my prayers. He gave papang enough time to think, reflect and repent and accept Jesus as his savior. He did not suffer for long.

It's sad to lose someone we dearly love but the dead must not be pitied as what others tend to say. It's a reality and it's a blessing. We will surely miss them and that's what makes it sad, but death has no victory. It's not the end, it's a beginning. A beginning of a beautiful and perfect life.

Winter season

Seasons of Life. There are 4 seasons of life and some say winter is the best. Winter is the season when you want to go home and find the comfort of family, love and peace. Although winter is when the grim reaper often comes to visit, it is to be welcomed with open arms as it is a way to find eternal peace in heaven, the eternal destination. My father is in this season of his life. As of this writing, he is in the hospital. We bought him there on the first day of the year. He was having a hard time breathing and normally he would just reach for his nebulizer but this time, it's different. Every breath is a struggle. The doctor explained to us what has happened to his lungs since the diagnosis of his lung cancer in October, just 2 months ago. On the x-ray result, his right lung is no longer visible. It's covered with white substance and the doctor explained that that is the tumor which grew and covered the lungs with fluid. That's what's causing him to breathe hard.

The doctor gave us different paths to choose from. Option number 1 is to treat the infection by getting the fluid out of the lungs and give him an antibiotic worth three thousand pesos a day for 10 days. This option will temporarily give him relief maybe lengthen his days but will not cure the tumor, it will continue to grow and produce fluid.

Option number 2 is maintain status quo with NGT and oxygen. NGT will help put food and medications in his body and oxygen will aid him with his breathing. When the doctor gave us those options, we got confused. We're used to doctors telling us what procedures they'll perform but here's one who lets us decide which is a good thing in some ways. So I asked him what's the best thing to do. After all, he's facing patients like my father everyday. He suggested that we agree to NGT and oxygen, bring our father home and give him palliative care. He said we can perform Option #1 but the patient may no longer be able to bear the process as he is already too weak. He will eventually succumb to his illness. What he said makes sense to us so we agreed to do what he suggested. Finally, the NGT was succesfully performed yesterday. Later on, we will be buying the oxygen that he need so he can go home.

Winter season of life. The best season for many. I'm praying that my father will think the same way. I'm wishing that he will enjoy this season with us. I'm praying that he will have more hope and excitement as he goes home.

My only wish...

My father is now in a state where he needs morphine to ease the cancer pains. Morphine is used to treat moderate to severe pain. He needs to take in a minimum of 6 tablets a day and may increase for as long as the pain can still be felt. Last Monday, Dec. 19th I went to his physician, Dr. Andrew Mallen to talk about his present condition. Severe weightloss, no appetite, cough, fatigue and excruciating pain are among his present struggles. There were sleepless nights too due to excessive pain.

Dr. Mallen, his soft spoken doctor explained to me almost everything I need to know about his condition including the things we need to expect in the future. One of the things he explained has something to do with nutrition. He said, nutrition is no longer the primary concern as the nutrients that go inside the body of a cancer patient are just being consumed by the cancer cells. But if he still can, he should eat to cover his stomach and avoid other complications such as ulcer. Dr. Mallen is a practical and straightforward doctor but he's not the kind you will get offense. He feels that we should we know what to expect in cases like my father's. He said that the time will come when my father will have a hard time breathing and our natural reaction would be to panic and bring him to the hospital. If we bring him to the hospital, the doctors will do everything they can to make him live. They will resuscitate prolonging his days and his suffering; eventually he still will succumb to his sickness.

In my previous posts, I mentioned that my father's disease is now on stage 4. He was diagnosed last October. He was given 5-6 months to live which he is not privy about. He's been asking if he was given a "taning" but we decided not to tell him to avoid counting the days. We want him not to worry and let him live with hope and peace.

But what's the hope for and what kind of hope is it, I ask myself? Should he hope of living longer and healthier? Should he hope to see his future grandchildren? I believe not. What I believe is that he should hope for eternity; life beyond death. He should hope to see his loved ones who passed away before him; he should hope to see his Savior and God! Oh what a day it would be! That is what I believe but not my father's at this point. He is in a state where he hopes to see more days on earth. We want that too, I mean who doesn't? We want to spend more days with him, we want to see him more. But not in his present condition. Skin and bones, bedridden and morphine dependent. Eventually, he needs to be fed by others and assisted by others to manage his own bowel and urine. It is no longer him and he is no longer living, he's merely breathing. That is far from who he is. He is the jolly, active friend and a loving husband and father living life to the fullest. He doesn't say "I love you" or "I miss you" but you can just be assured that he loves you. He's the kindest person I know. And because we love him so much, it's very painful to see him suffering in pain.

This christmas, I only have one wish - that is for my father to accept his situation as it is the consequence of his wrong decisions. With acceptance, there's peace. And when there is peace, there's joy. A joyful passing is going to be our strength, our hope and our consolation.

Answers...

If there's one thing we always seek for, it's answers. When I was young, I remember I would always ask the people around me about things I don't understand. I'm always curious and that's why instead of joining the sunday school for kids, I'd join the adults and then listen intently to the pastor explaining why worship of graven images is wrong, why not everyone who calls on His name will be saved and what happens when the second coming arrives. I listen intently because I need and I want answers.

The past few days I'm searching for answers to my father's condition. In my previous posts, I mentioned about the battle that my father is in right now. Seeing him in pain is not always easy and selfishly sometimes I'd rather not go to our house where I grew up. I come out of our house a different person everytime I see him in excruciating pain. I'm no longer the positive kind; I would come out as a quiet crying baby. But then not seeing him is for my own benefit, to spare myself from the pain. I should be seeing him because I know that he would like to see us, me and my family. He doesn't say so, but his eyes speak louder.

In my search for answers, God revealed this to me. Some sicknesses are the consequence of our own actions in the past and in the present and it's true as far as my father's situation is concerned. The reason why he got lung cancer is because he's been smoking for more than 40 years. According to medicinenet.com, Lung cancer was not common prior to the 1930s but increased dramatically over the following decades as tobacco smoking increased. The incidence of lung cancer is strongly correlated with cigarette smoking, with about 90% of lung cancers arising as a result of tobacco use. With that fact, I am no longer asking God why my father is in this battle right now. The answer is clear.

Earlier as I was thinking about my father, I can't help but feel sad for family and friends who are on the same boat. Smoking is an addiction and I know that addiction can be overcame with the right support and help from loved ones. They don't need rejection, nor do they deserve isolation. They need our acceptance, then education and realizations. They need the will to stop. And they can if we help them.

Lord my prayer is for me to be courageous enough to educate people about the effects of smoking in a way they don't get offended. Let me start with my family. Amen.

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