My only wish...

My father is now in a state where he needs morphine to ease the cancer pains. Morphine is used to treat moderate to severe pain. He needs to take in a minimum of 6 tablets a day and may increase for as long as the pain can still be felt. Last Monday, Dec. 19th I went to his physician, Dr. Andrew Mallen to talk about his present condition. Severe weightloss, no appetite, cough, fatigue and excruciating pain are among his present struggles. There were sleepless nights too due to excessive pain.

Dr. Mallen, his soft spoken doctor explained to me almost everything I need to know about his condition including the things we need to expect in the future. One of the things he explained has something to do with nutrition. He said, nutrition is no longer the primary concern as the nutrients that go inside the body of a cancer patient are just being consumed by the cancer cells. But if he still can, he should eat to cover his stomach and avoid other complications such as ulcer. Dr. Mallen is a practical and straightforward doctor but he's not the kind you will get offense. He feels that we should we know what to expect in cases like my father's. He said that the time will come when my father will have a hard time breathing and our natural reaction would be to panic and bring him to the hospital. If we bring him to the hospital, the doctors will do everything they can to make him live. They will resuscitate prolonging his days and his suffering; eventually he still will succumb to his sickness.

In my previous posts, I mentioned that my father's disease is now on stage 4. He was diagnosed last October. He was given 5-6 months to live which he is not privy about. He's been asking if he was given a "taning" but we decided not to tell him to avoid counting the days. We want him not to worry and let him live with hope and peace.

But what's the hope for and what kind of hope is it, I ask myself? Should he hope of living longer and healthier? Should he hope to see his future grandchildren? I believe not. What I believe is that he should hope for eternity; life beyond death. He should hope to see his loved ones who passed away before him; he should hope to see his Savior and God! Oh what a day it would be! That is what I believe but not my father's at this point. He is in a state where he hopes to see more days on earth. We want that too, I mean who doesn't? We want to spend more days with him, we want to see him more. But not in his present condition. Skin and bones, bedridden and morphine dependent. Eventually, he needs to be fed by others and assisted by others to manage his own bowel and urine. It is no longer him and he is no longer living, he's merely breathing. That is far from who he is. He is the jolly, active friend and a loving husband and father living life to the fullest. He doesn't say "I love you" or "I miss you" but you can just be assured that he loves you. He's the kindest person I know. And because we love him so much, it's very painful to see him suffering in pain.

This christmas, I only have one wish - that is for my father to accept his situation as it is the consequence of his wrong decisions. With acceptance, there's peace. And when there is peace, there's joy. A joyful passing is going to be our strength, our hope and our consolation.

Answers...

If there's one thing we always seek for, it's answers. When I was young, I remember I would always ask the people around me about things I don't understand. I'm always curious and that's why instead of joining the sunday school for kids, I'd join the adults and then listen intently to the pastor explaining why worship of graven images is wrong, why not everyone who calls on His name will be saved and what happens when the second coming arrives. I listen intently because I need and I want answers.

The past few days I'm searching for answers to my father's condition. In my previous posts, I mentioned about the battle that my father is in right now. Seeing him in pain is not always easy and selfishly sometimes I'd rather not go to our house where I grew up. I come out of our house a different person everytime I see him in excruciating pain. I'm no longer the positive kind; I would come out as a quiet crying baby. But then not seeing him is for my own benefit, to spare myself from the pain. I should be seeing him because I know that he would like to see us, me and my family. He doesn't say so, but his eyes speak louder.

In my search for answers, God revealed this to me. Some sicknesses are the consequence of our own actions in the past and in the present and it's true as far as my father's situation is concerned. The reason why he got lung cancer is because he's been smoking for more than 40 years. According to medicinenet.com, Lung cancer was not common prior to the 1930s but increased dramatically over the following decades as tobacco smoking increased. The incidence of lung cancer is strongly correlated with cigarette smoking, with about 90% of lung cancers arising as a result of tobacco use. With that fact, I am no longer asking God why my father is in this battle right now. The answer is clear.

Earlier as I was thinking about my father, I can't help but feel sad for family and friends who are on the same boat. Smoking is an addiction and I know that addiction can be overcame with the right support and help from loved ones. They don't need rejection, nor do they deserve isolation. They need our acceptance, then education and realizations. They need the will to stop. And they can if we help them.

Lord my prayer is for me to be courageous enough to educate people about the effects of smoking in a way they don't get offended. Let me start with my family. Amen.

Photo from http://smallbiztrends.com

Thanksgiving...

I thank the Lord for...

my God and my savior, Jesus Christ for saving me and giving me no reason to fear death because eternity awaits in heaven.

my parents for not abandoning me and rearing me with imperfections. Those imperfections have taught me to accept that no one is perfect, and that I should never expect things to go perfect.

my husband and son. They gave me a reason to live my life with a purpose.

my parents in law for naming me God-given and believing that I was given by God to their son, Miggy.

my siblings who made my life exciting and who made it depressing sometimes too (which is part of what we call life.)

my work for paying the bills and for erasing my boredom. Also for being the reason why I'm forced to look good everyday. And of course, it's the reason why I'm making the most of my time when I'm with my son, Matt because I know I'm missing 9-11 hours a day of his life.

my reliable helper/yayay for taking care of my son in those hours we miss.

my aunt Liza for bringing me to church when I was only 5 years old. Sunday schools had become my spiritual foundation among many church activities that I grew up with.

my friends whom I could count on all the time. I thank them for being my listening ears in times when my mouth just can't stop talking.

my skills and passion for cooking which balances my life. It's the best stress reliever!

my trials for making me call on HIM. Trials are reminders for me to kneel down and lift everything up to HIM. They make me stronger and tougher too!

my blog which serves as a venue for my thanksgiving! :)

Wisdom for Life's Trials

James 1

¹James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes which are scattered abroad, greeting.

²My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

³Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

⁴But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

⁵If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

⁶But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.

⁷For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.

⁸A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

⁹Let the brother of low degree rejoice in that he is exalted:

¹⁰But the rich, in that he is made low: because as the flower of the grass he shall pass away.

¹¹For the sun is no sooner risen with a burning heat, but it withereth the grass, and the flower thereof falleth, and the grace of the fashion of it perisheth: so also shall the rich man fade away in his ways.

¹²Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

¹³Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:

¹⁴But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.

¹⁵Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.

¹⁶Do not err, my beloved brethren.

¹⁷Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

¹⁸Of his own will begat he us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

¹⁹Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

²⁰For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

²¹Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.

²²But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

²³For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:

²⁴For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.

²⁵But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

²⁶If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.

²⁷Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

The Grind

I seldom talk about work. Not for anything; I just don't find it interesting to talk about. But I just realized today that I've been in this company for 5 years now and surely, there must be something interesting about my work that would me make stay that long. I turned 5 last Oct. 13th and the company is planning to give us a treat. I'm hoping it would be something interesting. Last year it was a set of Rudy Project watch (for couples).

Okay, so let me start. I started out as a trainer for disneyshopping.com, then got transferred to AT&T and now Adobe. I've learned so many things in 5 years. I've learned how crazy Americans are about disney products, that there are other ISPs much better than AT&T (kidding), and that Adobe and MAC are not really in good terms (there are a lot of Adobe products not available for IOS.) But the most important thing I learned has nothing to do with what the classroom (my comfort zone) can teach us but it's the relationship I was able to build with my co-workers. In a callcenter industry you will meet diverse kind of people - young and old (student meeting his former teacher), registered nurses, teachers, engineers, commerce graduates, and of course ex-bummers. We address each other by our first name (one of the American cultures we acquired) since most of the callcenters in the Philippines are owned and managed by Americans anyway. We love to eat pizza and hold rally on special occasions like halloween and Christmas. And we call midnight snack, lunch! Being a trainer, I get to meet a lot of people, most of them I remember by face but not by name (memory gap, I always blame it on my CS operation). And after a while, you'll wonder where did this person go? Transition is so fast, before you know it, the man or woman you were training a few weeks back is already training for another company. This where reunions happen too. I once have a class where half of them came from CVG and the other half is from Teletech and you can just imagine how chaotic a class would be where everyone is familiar with each other. In a callcenter, relatives in the same workplace is also not an issue for as long as the other is not reporting to the other relative.

Okay, you may not find interesting all of the things I stated above maybe because you're already aware of them. But what's really interesting at least for me is the fact that in this workplace is where I met my husband. What's even more interesting is that he was my trainee. And don't imagine me being an old conservative trainer/teacher who has a hidden desire with his trainees/students. I'm only 30 now and I was 27 when I met him, he was 28. Let me just emphasize that.hehe. We started dating after he graduated from my class and started working as a full time agent. He's now a QA analyst and we work for the same account, different department. Quite interesting huh?!

I'm always thankful to God for my work. There are better days, but heck, most of the time, it's not bad at all. It's paying for our bills, giving me knowledge and experience, and it builds relationships (just like what happened to us) ;)

pic courtesy of dreamstine.com

There are better days

Yesterday was not one of them. It was far from good. Family problems once again and I just hope it ends soon. May God grant all my prayers!

Yet man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward.

The title of this blog came from the book of Job. Job is by far the best example of a character from the Bible who have been through hell on earth. But despite of what he's been through, he was able to praise God for everything that had happened to him. I WANT TO BE LIKE JOB.

Last Friday, around 5pm a text came in. It was my mother telling me the result of my 66 year old father's CT scan. And she said "Cancer gid kuno, stage 4, 6-7 mos na lang sya". I don't know how to feel at that time until I decided to just cry it out. My husband who was beside me, hugged and told me that that's how life is. I believed him. After all, he lost his father who was very close to him almost 3 years ago too.

Although I was very tired, I got up and started to cook for our banchetta in the office. My son Matt was still sleeping so I grabbed the opportunity to prepare the pasta I'm selling in the office. Too tired, I slept again until it's time to prepare for work.

On our way to work, another event happened. Since there was a power outage when we left home and it's continuously raining; the roads were darker than usual. Just a few meters away from the office, a motorcycle hit the back of our car, breaking our tail light and damaging the back door. My husband does not want to be late so instead of stopping and confronting the man who hit our car, he decided to go and login first then come back. When he came back, the man riding the motorcycle was no longer there. Should I now call this a series of unfortunate events? Not yet. It came in three. Before we ended the shift, our nanny sent me a text message saying my son Matt was sick with fever and flu. Now that's truly is a series of unfortunate events.

Again, I want to be like Job. I want to experience his victory. I claim it now. I'm willing to expand my territory. I'm willing to just listen and entrust everything to him. I'm willing to give up my trust in myself like I always do. I'm willing to just praise God all the time.

On bended knees...

Two weeks ago I learned that my 66 year old father is sick. He was not able to move his bowel for 6 days and the pain in his stomach was unbearable, he can hardly sleep. I suggested that he consult a doctor so that we'll have a clear picture of what's going on in his body. When the test results came out, we learned that he has a 5 cm hepatorenal mass neoplasm, a mass between his liver and kidney. He was advised to have a CT scan and biopsy to determine if the neoplasm (tumor) is benign or malignant. We are working on his CT scan and biopsy now. We are hoping and praying that it's not cancer.

The stress of having a sick loved one is incomparable. I can't stand seeing my father in pain. I’ve been so moody lately. I suddenly would cry and dwell on self-pity. I’d recall his goodness to us when we were still young. No, he’s not a perfect father but he’s somebody who would try his best to give us what we want, including freedom; freedom to choose what life we would like to live. My spirit is down. I’m just not my old self now and I honestly do not like it.

Sometimes, actually all the time, the battle can be fought on bended knees. If it seems like a dark world, I honestly saw the light again when all of these problems emerged. I started to pray with tears on bended knees again. I would sob and pour everything out to him because I know that only my savior, the same God I prayed to for salvation when I was 7 years old, is the same HIM who can make me feel better.

Please help me pray for my father.